There's anger in me
A rage that can't be contained
I swallow hard
to suppress the flame
but the pressure
fills me with pain
I can't even speak
for fear it may escape
so I sit quietly
teeth clenched tightly
with my lips closed firmly
but the force is too intense
it forces my jaw open
separating my top teeth
from my bottom
I fight against it
try hard to force it back
but its winning
and then suddenly
against their will
my lips, lose their grip
they fall victim to my rage
and part relatively easily
and BOOM!!!
I explode
everything inside of me
escapes with extreme intensity
part of me feeling free
the other part speaks regretfully
spilling anger, hate and shame
mixed with happiness, sadness and pain
its too late to take it back
that was a verbal attack.
Monday, April 18, 2011
Thursday, March 24, 2011
Reviewing Timothy Bloom
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My latest guilty pleasure is Timothy Bloom. There is just something about him, whether it be his smooth voice, handsome face, gorgeous body or his laid back, confident swagger but I am so into him and his music. I was grabbed by this song and video and it drew me into his web of sultry heartfelt tunes.
With that said I have some issues with this particular video, I love the concept and his relaxed disposition only makes you wish that it was you that he was holding, caressing and singing to. What disturbs me is his female counterpart who just happens to be his back up singer. No doubt that she is attractive, and her close haircut is a daring yet admirable show of her confidence, then there's her dynamite voice that almost seems to steal the spotlight in this video. Its her ability to blow that disturbs me a bit, why on earth would he being the artist have a singer who can sing better than him with more range sing with him unless he's trying to showcase her talent which is clearly not doing on purpose but ends up doing nonetheless. My second issue is that although he seems to be believable as her lover, her body language seems uncomfortable and a bit guarded leaving one to believe that she is not feeling the same way. She seems to pull away from him, and when she isn't pulling away shes turning away.
Anywho I am a fan but these are just my thoughts
My latest guilty pleasure is Timothy Bloom. There is just something about him, whether it be his smooth voice, handsome face, gorgeous body or his laid back, confident swagger but I am so into him and his music. I was grabbed by this song and video and it drew me into his web of sultry heartfelt tunes.
With that said I have some issues with this particular video, I love the concept and his relaxed disposition only makes you wish that it was you that he was holding, caressing and singing to. What disturbs me is his female counterpart who just happens to be his back up singer. No doubt that she is attractive, and her close haircut is a daring yet admirable show of her confidence, then there's her dynamite voice that almost seems to steal the spotlight in this video. Its her ability to blow that disturbs me a bit, why on earth would he being the artist have a singer who can sing better than him with more range sing with him unless he's trying to showcase her talent which is clearly not doing on purpose but ends up doing nonetheless. My second issue is that although he seems to be believable as her lover, her body language seems uncomfortable and a bit guarded leaving one to believe that she is not feeling the same way. She seems to pull away from him, and when she isn't pulling away shes turning away.
Anywho I am a fan but these are just my thoughts
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Longing for Love
I want to be loved, I want to be held, have sweet nothings whispered in my ear but it seems I'm left with nothing and no one. I never want to be that old maid or cat lady. I know, I know, I'm still young but I want to be loved now. I used to tell people that I was waiting for the man that God was perfecting for me, but where is he. Isn't he missing me. One pastor prophesied over me saying that I would meet him in ministry and soon, well so far they are either too old, too young, taken, or just not for me. I need a solid man, tall, strong, sturdy. Someone whose arms make me feel secure, whose touch is gentle but can still get work done. I like a man who has a little bit of roughness to him but not with me. I like a smart man, who can make me laugh.
Of course now my life is different. I'm not the girl I thought I was and I need to be loved, appreciated, understood. I need a patient man with a big heart. I need the man God made just for me
Of course now my life is different. I'm not the girl I thought I was and I need to be loved, appreciated, understood. I need a patient man with a big heart. I need the man God made just for me
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Insurance Woes
By now you should know that I was diagnosed with the big C...Cancer. Well if the diagnosis mixed with appointment after appointment wasn't enough, I have to think about my insured future better yet the future of my insurance. Well I finally got coverage in the form of Medicaid, up until I received Medicaid I was without insurance and paying out of pocket. May sound pathetic but I was ecstatic at the fact that I got coverage and it came right when I had nothing left to pay for anything and right before my referral to Memorial Sloan Kettering. During this time I also received some documents to join a healthcare plan under managed care. It seemed great and once again I just felt blessed beyond belief. Well due to the type of cancer my current oncologist suggested that I see a fertility specialist, he gave me the number to the best and after speaking to him the other day I was encouraged to make that call ASAP. So I called and found out that they don't take my insurance, and the only insurance that they take and that I could possibly get isn't taken by the hospital where I receive most of my treatments. Then I find out that memorial sloan kettering takes every insurance but the one I could get that the fertility people take. I feel stuck, annoyed and agitated. Everything is a fight or difficult. I never wanted this, I just want my normal life back.
Thursday, March 3, 2011
I've Seen That Look Before
I went to my appointment at Memorial Sloan Kettering, such a wonderful place, much better than the cancer center at Queens Hospital Center. Anyway the workers there were great, very nice and attentive. They weren't the ones that gave me a level of concern. My father had come with me but somehow other patients knew that I was the one that had the appointment. They stared at me their faces saying what their heart was feeling, the only keeping them from blurting it out was good manners, and concern for their own business. I checked in and my next stop was to the 6th floor for my appointment. The whole set up of the office was beautiful and calming. The elevators were slow and every elevator that came barely had room for both my father and I so we decided to split up and go separately finding that room for one was easier to find than room for two. I climbed on the next elevator and made my way up to the sixth floor. The elevators seemed to be moving slower than what I was accustomed to so I busied myself by looking up to see what was located on each floor and peeking out as the doors opened.
Finally I reached my floor, it was a woman's center with Gynecologic Oncology. I stepped out behind some other women and attempted to wait in the line that was forming when the woman ahead of me insisted that I go before her. We were helped simultaneously by the two women at the front desk. As they handed me some papers to fill out I stood on the side and waited for my father. He was on the third elevator to open its doors to this floor. Once he arrived we walked over to the waiting area and had a seat. As I took my seat I could see people staring at me; some stopped their conversations, others just looked on, one even pointed and I knew why. I was the youngest woman on this floor, let me correct that. I was the youngest patient all the others were old, they were mothers, grandmothers, etc. and its not like they didn't know why I was there, after all everyone was a cancer patient with some sort of cancer related to the female anatomy. Where most had brought their fathers, sisters, daughters or mates as company I had my father. Their eyes were full of questions and their faces were full of sadness.
I have gotten used to this look, this look of despair and hopelessness. The look that people give when they have already buried you in their soul and are just waiting for your physical body to succumb to their thought process. The truth of the matter is I've seen this look far too many times before and I pity those that give it. They don't know me, they obviously don't possess my faith, or strength of character. They have already given up and it is I that feels sorry for them. I believe in my healing, I trust God that I am healed. I believe that my life will be long and full. So although I've seen that look before I just smile it off, grin it back to a place of minding one's own.
Finally I reached my floor, it was a woman's center with Gynecologic Oncology. I stepped out behind some other women and attempted to wait in the line that was forming when the woman ahead of me insisted that I go before her. We were helped simultaneously by the two women at the front desk. As they handed me some papers to fill out I stood on the side and waited for my father. He was on the third elevator to open its doors to this floor. Once he arrived we walked over to the waiting area and had a seat. As I took my seat I could see people staring at me; some stopped their conversations, others just looked on, one even pointed and I knew why. I was the youngest woman on this floor, let me correct that. I was the youngest patient all the others were old, they were mothers, grandmothers, etc. and its not like they didn't know why I was there, after all everyone was a cancer patient with some sort of cancer related to the female anatomy. Where most had brought their fathers, sisters, daughters or mates as company I had my father. Their eyes were full of questions and their faces were full of sadness.
I have gotten used to this look, this look of despair and hopelessness. The look that people give when they have already buried you in their soul and are just waiting for your physical body to succumb to their thought process. The truth of the matter is I've seen this look far too many times before and I pity those that give it. They don't know me, they obviously don't possess my faith, or strength of character. They have already given up and it is I that feels sorry for them. I believe in my healing, I trust God that I am healed. I believe that my life will be long and full. So although I've seen that look before I just smile it off, grin it back to a place of minding one's own.
Thursday, February 24, 2011
The Truth About CANCER
Yesterday I went to the hospital to take care of some business. A doctor who helped me but isn't my regular doctor discussed a concern he had with me regarding a test result. "Oh I know" I said proceeding to explain the latest diagnosis of cancer. "You're too young to have this cancer," he said. His face drooping in a fashion that I have become accustomed to over the last couple of months. "Yeah", I said with a sort of don't know what else to say grin "if only the cancer knew that".
The truth of the matter is that cancer doesn't have an MO (Modus Operandi). It is not as picky or prejudice as people are, it doesn't have a time clock, in fact it has the worst timing. It doesn't hold grudges or react in anger, it doesn't affect only the weak... it doesn't care about who it affects, it just comes and when it does you just deal, you endure it, you fight it. I have no time for tears there's too much living and loving to be had. No need for pity, who better to bare this burden than someone strong enough to carry it. I will not let it win, instead I will prove it wrong.
The truth of the matter is that cancer doesn't have an MO (Modus Operandi). It is not as picky or prejudice as people are, it doesn't have a time clock, in fact it has the worst timing. It doesn't hold grudges or react in anger, it doesn't affect only the weak... it doesn't care about who it affects, it just comes and when it does you just deal, you endure it, you fight it. I have no time for tears there's too much living and loving to be had. No need for pity, who better to bare this burden than someone strong enough to carry it. I will not let it win, instead I will prove it wrong.
CANCER is not my death sentence,
nor is it my life sentence,
it is merely a season in a life full of seasons
and I will make it through.
-Oriana
Sunday, February 20, 2011
I Can't Be Tamed
I am so loving this video, "I Can't Be Tamed" by: Miley Cyrus. First of all the video itself is hot, the concept and idea are so original. Last but not least the words are so understandable. For anyone that has lived a somewhat sheltered life and existence, she speaks nothing but the truth. Every person in that predicament fantasizes about the day when they assert themselves as individuals. Then in addition to that you can't help but go crazy when you are finally set free.
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